19 Jul 2017

Mrs. Brightside

I posted consistently eight weeks in a row, I am surprised as you guys probably are. Consistency has never been my thing. I want to say that things are getting better, I want to say that I'm overcoming my problems and not being consumed by them. This would be a lie.

If I am being honest this is one of those weeks where I would've skipped posting. Because when I'm feeling like this is when I withdraw, I hide. It's easier that way, I don't post anything I regret. Nobody notices my sadness because they never see it.

I don't like people to see it, because who wants to be that person. The one who brings everyone down because they are in a mood. I feel bad now, knowing that this post is going to be mixed in with a bunch of book reviews and probably fairly happy posts. I like being the eternal optimist, that was how I defined myself for pretty much most of my life. I can't keep it up the charade anymore, and nobody is more disappointed than me.

I'm okay, that's the truth. I don't want anyone to worry. I am okay, and I'm sure by next week I will have a better post. For now I am just going to give you guys a list of things I do when I am feeling this way.

1. Music (sad music is the best for some reason, and make sure you sing along.)

2. Eat something good (probably fattening but I digress)

3. Reflect ( look at old pictures, journal, make a plan)

4. Read an old favorite ('Howl's Moving Castle' is my go to)

5. Tea ( tea with plenty of milk is so therapeutic)

6. Let yourself cry ( it can make you feel better)

7. Breathe ( give yourself an hour to just relax, forget everything)

8. Pray (This is probably the only one that is an actual solution)

9.  Clean yourself up ( a bit of soap can do wonders)

10. Finish something ( it will bring your morale up)

 Try some of these out if you want. As I'm writing this; my hair is greasy. I chugged two blue raspberry, Kool-Aid jammers, and I'm listening to Mr. Brightside by The Killers, honestly what the hell do I know.

12 Jul 2017

Beautiful People #26

Beautiful People is a link up hosted by the Queen of Cake and the Universe Cait and the Ever Amazing and Wonderful Bean that is Sky

I got to be honest when I realized this one was about the writer and not the character. I was like no. I'm not as fun or as interesting as my character, so I apologize if this is boring. 

1.How do you decide which project to work on?

Ummm... *awkward laughing* I don't 

2.How long does it usually take you to finish a project?

Ages, if I finish at all.

3.  Do you have any routines to put you in the writing mood?

Also music, and really high quality, well edited youtube videos.

4. What time of day do you write best?

Super early in the morning or ridiculously late at night. 

5. Are there any authors you think you have a similar style to?

I want to be like, oh so and so, but I don't know. I wish my writing was like Diana Wynne Jones or Maggie Stiefvater, I mean who doesn't.
I know it's not though, so if anyone has read my writing and you want to leave a comment of who you think I write like. I would really appreciate it.

6.  Why did you start writing, and why do you keep writing?

I have a story to tell, multiple stories in fact. I hope to help people through it ( my writing) because books got me through so much. 

I also think it has something to do with my poor communication skills.  

7.What’s the hardest thing you’ve written?

I really like this question. It's not a fun one to answer. I could take the easy way out and say oh, a fight scene, but to be honest those are easy. I have a hard time writing in general, but the hardest thing to write is emotion. Especially when your taking it from your own experience, it is like dipping a pen in a bleeding wound and writing with it. It's emotional and it's very hard. 

8. Is there a project you want to tackle someday but you don’t feel ready yet? 

I kinda already am, I am doing a Sherlock retelling and that is something I don't feel ready to do.

Others include an X- files esque murder mystery, a weird mix up of Stranger Things and The Hardy Boys, and a super dark Pan retelling. Just now realizing none of these ideas are original.

9. What writing goals did you make for 2017 and how are they going?

 I had a list of goals for writing on my wall, and have since ripped it off and burned it.You tell me.

 10. Describe your writing process in 3 words or a gif!

I like how I am now encouraged to use gifs, as if  I needed an excuse. 

Ta Da!

4 Jul 2017

My Depression, Social Anxiety, and Me

I have been trying to write this post for a couple weeks now. I keep deciding against it. I hate being vulnerable. I like keeping all of my problems to myself, I don't want to come off as whiny or self pitying. Especially on the internet, where to be honest it's probably better to keep it to yourself.

I don't want people to think I'm looking for sympathy. I'm not, I'm aware that there are way bigger issues out in the world. The only reason I am even writing this, is in the hopes that it helps someone. Or makes someone feel less alone. I'm not trying to do this.

I hate having these companions in life with me. The depression kind of  goes in and out of my life, but the anxiety is a constant. It's strange because I never really acknowledged the anxiety for what it was until this year. I kept thinking if I just kept pushing myself, I would overcome it.

I do this with everything.
 Except this time it didn't work. In fact since I hit maybe eighteen, my anxiety especially in regards to social things has only gotten worse.

I used to do things, go places, hang out. I guess I fell out of step, everyone started dating and partying, since I wasn't interested I became irrelevant. I hung out at home, I read, watched tv shows, drank obscene amounts of coffee. They lost interest in me and I in turn with them.

 It's strange but even if you mind your own business and never say anything to anyone else about how they should live their life. They are still going to tell you what you are doing is wrong. Unasked for opinions make up about 80% of my interactions with people, which of course only doubles my anxiety, and steamrolls whatever confidence or self esteem I built up.

I keep trying though, I hang out with toxic people for the sake of hanging out, I let people use me. I let someone mistreat me for four months, and still took the blame for most of it. It's sad for never being in a relationship, I already have a lot of trust issues. I know my anxiety doesn't help with this, because it makes me suspicious of people. So this leads to a different issue.

 Actually not entirely accurate, I have friends, I have some really good true friends. Except none of them live near me. So I can feel pretty alone the average week. That feeling sucks, I have a great family they're supportive and as understanding as two parents 'who didn't have these issues when they were younger' can be.

They have sympathy, but they don't understand. It's being misunderstood that allows the depression to get it's claws in me. Having anxiety on an average day sucks, having depression sucks. Having both is a nightmare.

Suddenly normal,everyday things are impossible. Your world is black and white, you stay in bed, you push people away, you disconnect. You need to recuperate after hours of doing nothing, your brain runs off the tracks. It's not romantic, it's not aesthetic and it's not fun.

The only thing that gets me through the rough patches is God. I have come to rely on him for everything, which is the only good side to these mental afflictions. I pray, I read his word, and I breathe. I let him carry me through the storm and he has gotten me through every single one.

You don't come out cured and you don't come out unscathed. Some days I feel broken.

I hate feeling abnormal, having to justify everything I think or feel. I hate the way I overthink and analyze situations. I hate that my natural state is stressed. There are days when I crave the elusive nonexistent beast that is normalcy.

I know it doesn't exist, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it.

My social anxiety cripples me, because it goes unseen. I can probably carry on a forty-five minute conversation with you and you would think I was an extrovert. I can play along, I paste a megawatt smile on my face. Inside I am a mess, a big part of my anxiety lies in the fact that I hide it. It's only later that I go over it in my head, and decide you were probably only talking to me to be nice. I am also super annoying.

It's affecting so many things in my life, it's so much more than not wanting to answer the phone. It's fighting your mind, it's rehearsing your words before a conversation. It's being plagued by the constant fear that your doing something wrong.

You become hyper aware of yourself. Your breathing, walking, and even sweating. Which leads to being super insecure, and not wanting to go out. It's a vicious cycle, but I fight through it. I make a point of doing things, that I really don't want to do.

It's a process. Every time I take a step forward, I feel like I fall back at least three steps.

It sucks, but I keep trying.

... I have no idea how to end this so.....

28 Jun 2017

A Phanastic Night

Some of you might not know this, but I have always had a love of  dramas, musicals, plays. Whatever you want to call them. Acting was something I was hung up on when I was little. I was convinced I would be a movie star or something. Now I am somewhat thankful, that I didn't get my wish. I did however participate in a few plays, one was our town production of Annie. I was eight and had a blast, I memorized the whole thing, every line, all the songs. I lived and breathed it.

Over the years, I forgot about this love, writing, painting, reading, and photography took precedence. However, this year I started hanging out with Elizabeth. We became fast friends, she reintroduced me into the world of theatre. She showed me Phantom of the Opera, the 25th Anniversary edition. I fell in love the costumes, the voices, and the Phantom. Thus starting me on a musical craze, I will be covering a new favorite, 'Dear Evan Hansen' in a different post.

Anyway, I loved it so much. We decided to watch it again, and this time I decided to do it in proper Phantom style.

I tried my best to make our basement into something resembling the Phantom's Lair. I did it all last minute so try not to judge it too harshly.

 Basically I just got as many candles and fairy lights as I could.

 The food was the focal point. At least to me, we also had popcorn and a veggie platter.

 We got my mom to signal us when she was coming, and I had my sister start playing the Phantom saying bravo, when she walked in. Her reaction made it all worth it. (See the exercise equipment, it's a basement there was only so much I could do.)

We had a Phantastic night! (I will stop now, sorry not sorry)

21 Jun 2017

Beta Readers Needed

It was Snow White after all which threw me for a big loop, let me tell you. I had the basic outline of a Little Mermaid story all sorted, but no matter just another story for another day.

I bounced back and forth with my ideas for a bit, which was worrying because with all the other contests I started writing as soon as it was announced. I have actually been outlining this time, which I'm sure won't last so don't get too excited. I'm going to try though, I really want to have a good ending. I feel since this is the last time I need to go out with a bang.

I even have a writing partner this time, shout out to you Elizabeth. Hopefully we can keep each other on track.

I have two ideas, and I have the crazy idea to enter both.You are allowed to enter more than once, and I mean twice the shot right. So I might do that, considering one I have already started, and the other is an idea that will probably need a month of research to accomplish.

If I can finish both I will do that, but if it's just one well then that is fine too. My two ides are very different from each other. One is set in a circus and Snow is a circus clown. Sounds stupid I know, but it has a fey element. The Pinterest board for it is here Falling Snow

The other one is set in a fantasy version of Japan and has Samurai and Geisha's. Also a pretty good twist if I do say so myself. That board is here The Geisha

Any way so, I realized I never did a beta call or anything. So consider this it, if any of you are interested. Even if you have never done it before, or grammar is not your thing. Comment if your interested. I like having lots of different kinds of feedback, it really helps me challenge myself.

If your doing the Five Poisoned Apples contest, let me know. I would be happy to return the favor.

14 Jun 2017

Writing Sherlock

I have been having quite a time, trying to put my own spin on this classic character. Sherlock Holmes is without a doubt, my favorite literary character. One of the challenges I am facing is doing him justice. I seem to have no quibbles writing and messing around with Watson or Miss Hudson, but Sherlock is untouchable to me.

It has really put a wrench in my writing and outlining for my retelling. Because most of the story, revolves around Sherlock and his interactions with both Miss Hudson and Watson. Yet as soon as he steps on the scene, my brain seems to croak. I overthink  and write and erase him, saying something simple like, no. It's really frustrating and makes me hesitant to write anything.

 I know that this is a retelling and I am allowed to take liberties and make the characters my own. Not to mention this is a rough draft, and no one is going to see it.  I still have this inner voice telling me, I'm not doing it right.

I want to do nothing more that a tribute to the original, I am not trying to compete or compare with the original. Not just because I think that is impossible, but because I don't think the original needs any additions.

On top of  just trying to write him, I also have to think of a murder, that is a bit difficult for him to solve, easy-peasy right. Yes, trying to think of a case that would baffle The Great Sherlock Holmes is easy.

As you can see, I am dealing with all of this so well. Anyway I thought I would post a bit of what I have here and you guys could tell me what you think. Good or bad, I guess.

The tray rattles as I try to remember to keep a demur pace. A bead of tea slips out of the steaming pot. The stairs are worn down in spots and uneven, but after no less than four trips a day for the past week. I have grown accustomed to the precarious climb.
Loud thumps could be heard from behind the closed door. Goodness knows what he could be up to. It was half past ten, a decent enough time to make tea, compared to last night’s 3’o clock ring. He had a bout of insomnia that required both company and sustenance.
I knocked on the door, upsetting the tray and nearly dropping it in my efforts.

 “Mr. Holmes” I spattered, exasperation with him already taking its toll on my countenance.
The clatter stopped, followed by quick steps. The door was flung inward.

“You needn’t have troubled yourself with knocking; the door is almost always open.” He said gesturing me inside with a splotchy hand.

I stepped cautiously into his room, the strong smoke from his pipe made the air clot in my lungs, I coughed it out. Looking in vain at the cluttered surfaces; there was nowhere to place the now heavy tray.

“I got it old girl.” He said lifting the tray out of my hands with ease. He set it down with a clatter over some books and paper.

He laughed at the look on my face, “My apologies, I should be more sensitive to your feelings.” He poured the tea, “and age”

“Perhaps you should remember yours.” I murmured, taking in the chaos that was his rooms.

He sipped his tea and joined me in looking around. A smug smile crossed his face,

“I have been as you can tell working.”

“Is that what you call it?” I snorted, cringing at the assortment of half used tea cups intermixed with laboratory equipment.

He wasn’t abiding me anymore; he was looking at his mess with a sense of delight.- Miss Hudson


“You know how to draw your own blood?” I asked trying to keep the awe from my voice. God knows the man has an ego.

“I happen to be quite proficient with needles as you should know.”
A small smile made an appearance at the side of his mouth. His hand went up as if to cover it, but I saw it nonetheless.

“Deplorable!” I exclaimed.

“I’m not sure as to if you are referring to me or my preferences. Either one, I am inclined to agree with you.- Miss Hudson

7 Jun 2017

My Creative Process (Part 2)

 So I moved, which was stressful and terrible. I have better lighting here, so I am not complaining.
 This part is the fun part for me the first few strokes, it's like coloring in a coloring book that you created. It's a great feeling.
Sitting like this killed me by the way, I am old and felt it the next day. I don't know if you can see the Pepsi can sitting there, I drank half a case just that day. Caffeine gives me energy, it also made me jumpy.

 A lot of painting is just smearing random colors together on this thingy.
 You also have to stare at your picture for obscene amount of time.
Which sucks when it looks like this, I told my friend he looked like Handsome Squidward She looked it up and laughed her butt off.

 You also lie around a bit.
 It gets worse before it gets better, and I do fix his jawline, nose, and well everything
 Skin is a  mystery to me, I have no idea what I am doing.

The fumes get to you open a window, I get the munchies. I have to eat a lot while I paint. Which means I will never get to be a starving artist.

I also go a little nuts, I play music, I mumble to myself, it's weird.

 The next day, note the cushion, and coco puffs.
I was feeling a bit more hopeful this day.

 Sherlock was looking more like himself.
This is what he looks like now, this painting is going to take forever considering I am still just working on his face.
 It's fun though, with the added bonus of being an unpaid artist, who most people think is wasting her life away on a dream that is never going to happen, I digress.
 I hope if anything these post show you that you have to just push through the ugly and gross looking things to find some thing better. Also you don't need anything fancy to create. I use Walmart paint, and dollar store brushes.